Saturday, November 20, 2004

Hunting season

God bless and protect from accidents all hunters taking to the woods this time of year, and God help any that dare discharge a weapon on my farm without stopping by the house to tell me that they are out there.

A true story.

Several years ago this hunting season, a group of three fools took to our woods.  Hunting deer or just looking for an excuse to get out of the house and waste ammunition they ended up here.  As a rule that is not a problem, however, this time the fella's girls were here.  The girls had just come inside the house and suddenly BLAM and ping ping ping deer shot is bouncing off the siding.   Oh    Holy   Hell.

It took me seconds to jump into the first pair of shoes that I hit but no time at all to start cursing them, their mothers and their mother's choice of footwear at the top of my lungs.  Then I was OUT THAT DOOR at a dead run to collect a few trophies of my own.  I was beyond livid.  Nosebleed mad and swearing to shock a sailor, I headed towards the fools that dared to discharge a firearm towards a house where children were present.  By the time I turned the corner of the house they were at a dead run too.  Had it not been for a several hundred foot head start I would have caught them.  It is just as well that I didn't because they would have had to shoot me dead to keep me from strangling them.  Instead, swearing like a longshoreman and on a thirty degree day wearing a T-shirt, jeans and a pair of the fella's tennis shoes, I chased them through the woods until they were clear of the property line.  I became something of a local legend, apparently.

Since that day, hunters ALWAYS let us know when the are there. Even if they are following a deer, a member of the group breaks off to stop at the house to let us know that they are on the property.  That is best, I believe. It keeps everyone safe from accidental gunshot wounds and hearing swear words at a volume that should not be possible from a human female.

God bless and keep hunters this season, and remind them that firearms are ineffective against truly angry human females who know all the best swear words and how to use them.


jcnspots said...

Personally, I think you showed REMARKABLE restraint... those goobers (to borrow a perjorative from another dickhead we both know <G>) don't deserve to have gotten off that easily.  Tar and Feathering?  Force-feeding of dog poop?  Something...  I'm sure there are plenty of evil things that deserve to happen to such morons.

thisismary said...

Oh no!  I since I, fortunately, have no idea who they were; they have stood in place of EVERY hunter that heads out and forgets that while controlling the population of deer and rabbit and squirrel is necessary since we have eliminated the alpha predators, knowing at what you are shooting critical.  Sometimes, embarrassment, is effective in getting that point across.  I mean, three armed dudes got chased out of the woods by a hysterical, unarmed, cursing female.  Does it get more unmanly than that?